Envious Friends

I recently received some great news – a promotion! But rather than be happy for me, my friend could only focus on her disappointment and the fact she missed out. Aside from giving me the silent treatment, a mutual friend needed to spend the entire day consoling her. Whilst things are okay now, I find I can no longer share what is going well for me out of fear this friend may get upset. Whilst I can appreciate her disappointment, I thought friends should be happy for one another. Instead, I now feel I am walking on eggshells and have to always damper my joy.

H.B, 33, Australia.

Firstly, congratulations on your promotion! You should be proud! Secondly, The Guild is sorry to hear your friendship has taken this unexpected turn.

Assuming you weren’t insensitive: ‘woo-hoo, I just got promoted! Sucked in bitch!’; I would expect your friend to be happy for you. This is despite any personal disappointment they may feel. It is concerning you now feel the need to walk on eggshells and caveat what you say.

It is important to understand that people behave the best way they know how. If they knew how to handle things better, they would. We also all have an ego, and it often makes us behave in very unhelpful ways. It sounds like your friend believes they are a victim here (woe is me). Your promotion is putting you ahead, in a race you didn’t know you were playing. The silent treatment is a subconscious attempt to rebalance the relationship. To bring you back down. This must be very painful to deal with, especially as you did nothing wrong. To be clear: you did absolutely nothing wrong by getting promoted. To be treated as though you have, must be incredibly confusing.

I find it concerning that your friend needed an entire day’s worth of consoling. Yes, it can be disappointing to not get ahead; but, where we sit on the corporate ladder is really not that important in the big scheme of things. If lack of promotion debilitates them this much, how will they cope with far more traumatic events? Is there someway you could gently address this with your friend?

Is this response a once-off? Or has your friend responded this way multiple times before?

There is a bias known as the ‘sunk-cost fallacy’ which we often see play out in the corporate world. Companies will invest a lot into new projects, but rather than cease a project when it seems no longer fruitful, they carry on. They continue to invest in a losing battle simply because so much has already been invested. They don’t want to lose what has been invested, and this a justification enough to keep adding more and more. This can occur in personal relationships too. We may be friends with someone for a very long time. We may have spent a lot of time together and invested in the friendship quite significantly. Subconsciously we reason that eventually, surely, there must be a return on investment. But some relationships don’t value add to our lives. If the individual is draining you – sucking the life out of you – diminishing your joy – hurting your confidence – chipping away at your self-esteem – you really need to ask yourself if the friendship is worth the effort. And we aren’t told this often enough, but it is perfectly okay to end a friendship.

Is this a friendship worth the effort, or have you fallen prey to the sunk-cost fallacy?

Agreed. There is nothing wrong with ending a friendship from which you derive no joy or support. We may be led to believe that friends support each other no matter what, that they give each other second chances, yada yada, yada. But it cannot be a one way street, and you cannot pander to all your friend’s emotions. This is not to suggest we should just abandon people when they, or the friendship, is going through a rough patch. If ending the friendship would devastate you, then perhaps the answer lies in looking at the boundaries of the friendship. However, if things don’t seem to be getting better, and if there is nothing left to salvage, then what? There is mention of a mutual friend who spent an entire day consoling her. Is this someone who could provide you with some insight?

You state that things are ‘okay now’, what will it take to move from ‘okay’ to ‘great’? What would need to happen in this friendship from here on in?