Does it ever feel like everyone around you is trying to make your life difficult? Customers keep changing their minds. Clients haven’t paid their invoices. Family members are being stubborn, and colleagues – just plain old frustrating?!? Whilst it may feel like the behaviour is intentional, rarely is it so.
Most often, what turns out to be less than ideal for us, is actually a byproduct of behaviour benefitting another.
In fact, there are very few people whose Modus Operandi is to cause others grief.
The customer who keeps changing their mind fears making the wrong choice. Subconsciously, they are trying to avoid the pain of regret. The benefit of their having ‘peace of mind’ may result in annoyances for you, but that was never their intent. Likewise, the individual negotiating over price is not trying to rip you off. Just trying to get the best deal for their money.
How can you put their minds at ease that they are making a good choice and getting their money’s worth?
The underperformer at work is typically not ‘slacking off’ just to ‘piss you off’ either. Underperformance has a myriad of reasons, and if we drill down to the bottom, there is often a subconscious benefit for the individual. Maybe they feel underappreciated? They can no longer justify putting in the effort, because: ‘why bother? No one appreciates what I do’. They feel a sense of justice. Revenge even. For some, there may be a feeling of overload, and ‘slacking off’ is a just a small means to achieve respite.
In work contexts, difficult behaviour is often a result of appeasing the ego. We all have a need to feel respected, appreciated, and a part of the group. In fact, we see these needs play out in children all the time:
- Temper tantrums upon failure to win first place / get the toy / have things their way
- Loud / rowdy behaviour, or the creation of fanciful stories, to gain attention
- The sudden adoption of new hobbies to ‘fit in’ with the group
Whilst we like to think as adults we outgrow such behaviour, in reality it just displays differently.
The individual that consistently contributes superfluous or unnecessary information in meetings? They just want to be heard, to be seen, to feel part of the group. Such ‘look at me mum!‘ behaviour is an attempt to affirm their worth and significance.
The same can be said of your resident drama queen:
If the only way for me to get attention and feel important is to perpetuate drama, then that’s what I’ll do!
The Drama Queen
How else can you give these individuals air time and make them feel important?
The workplace gossip can also be annoying. Especially if they spend more time divulging in rumours than doing actual work! But, in a nutshell, by pointing out the perceived deficiencies of others, they are attempting to assert their own worth and belonging.
‘I’m not as bad as them, you see. And I’m telling you this to affirm that, like you, I belong to a tribe that doesn’t do those sort of things’.
The Gossip
For the gossip, being the first to bring you tantalising or salacious information also makes them feel special.
What are some more productive ways we can make them feel unique and included?
Whilst it is certainly not up to us to cater to everyone’s needs; understanding what drives unproductive behaviour helps us manage our responses. Accepting that outwardly negative behaviour has a self-centred positive gain enables compassion. We in turn become less frustrated with our fellow human beings. Moreover, by understanding what one is trying to achieve, we can attempt to create win-win solutions.
NOTE: Sometimes others do deliberately attempt to make our lives difficult. Bullying and harassment are not okay. If someone is being aggressive, vindictive or abusive, threatening another, or getting physical; and if the behaviour is repeated or persistent, please seek help. This post aims to explain why other people can come across as difficult. Considering and understanding the cause of someone else’s behaviour, and having compassion for others, does not mean we allow ourselves to become the target of another’s ill intent.
The Warrior-Womxn's Guild 