21. The Need To Feel Heard

Do you know that somebody who constantly talks about the same thing, over and over?

Quite often, an individual will repeat themselves because they don’t feel heard.

Each and everyone of us has a deep seated need to feel that we matter; to feel validated; and that the outside world is reflecting back what is happening within our inside world. Feeling heard helps satiate these needs.

As a leader, it is absolutely vital that followers feel heard, that they have a voice, and that their opinions matter. This will lead to better performance. Yet, effective listening is also important when dealing with friends and family.

Many of us think that we are good communicators. We are told we need to maintain eye contact, nod, ask questions, hum here and there, and show that we are engaged. And we can consciously apply these things. But to really bump effective listening up a notch, we need to use reflective paraphrasing.

For the individuals that constantly chatter and repeat their stories, reflective paraphrasing is incredibly useful. Using the other communicant’s words and statements back at them helps them to feel heard and validated. And once they feel heard, there is no reason to repeat the message!

I was just at the shops and I bumped into Sam, and you know what Sam said? They are moving to Brisbane at the end of the year. Alex got that IT job.

Standard response: Oh, really? That’s good.

Reflective response: Sam said they are moving to Brisbane because Alex got the IT job? Oh, that’s really good.

If you can read between the lines, and put into words the feelings the individual is alluding to, even better.

Sam said they are moving to Brisbane because Alex got the IT job? That’s good. I bet you’ll miss them though, you’ve been close friends for years.

Try paraphrasing a few points of conversation with your chatty individual today! The more you practice, the easier it becomes. And taking the time to effectively reflect back a few statements, rather than a quick hmm-hmm, or using short-sharp sentences, can save time in the long run. The individual feeling heard should carry on with their day, and the conversation will cease going in circles.