Rachel A.
In Part 1, we concluded with the premise that ‘bad’ behaviour is often an attempt to meet baseline human needs.
‘Bad’, of course, is open to interpretation; but for the sake of this article, it includes behaviour such as: bullying, addiction, recklessness, self-sabotage, lying, selfishness, gluttony, perfectionism, infidelity, and theft.
If you observe someone behaving badly, it does not automatically mean they themselves are bad. Yes, there is a small portion of the population we would describe as ‘evil’, who delight in harming others, and who are beyond change for the better; however, most people are not bad. They are just needy.
Learning to separate the behaviour from the individual is important. All of us are constantly, subconsciously, striving to meet our needs. Regardless of our our values and desires, we will meet these needs in some way, shape, or form. Unfortunately, we do not always do so productively. This is because our subconscious cannot tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy needs fulfilment. Add into the mix that many of us were never taught how to meet our needs productively, and ‘bad’ behaviour results.
To put it another way, most negative behaviour has a positive, secondary gain. Behaviour does not exist in a vacuum, and it always serves a purpose. Recognising this can help us understand the behaviour of those around us, and why we as individuals often find ourselves acting in ways that are incongruent with who we desire to be.
Let’s take a look at how this plays out by providing some examples.
Physiological needs aside; most theories agree we strive for BELONGING (communion, relatedness, love, connection), STATUS (esteem, significance, respect), AUTONOMY (uniqueness, creativity), ACHIEVEMENT (growth, competence, self-actualisation), and CERTAINTY (control, order, safety).
belonging
Companionship, feeling we belong, and feeling we are cared for, is one of the most important of human needs. The explosion of social media platforms alone is evidence of our need to connect. Developing healthy, supportive relationships, participating in team sports, undertaking community work, and attending worship are all ways in which we meet this need positively. Less-than-ideal ways we attempt to meet this need include: conforming to ‘fit in’; ‘keeping up with the Joneses’; promiscuity; maintaining friendships that drain us; and, codependence.
status
Status is where ego comes to the fore. We all have a need to feel significant and special, and feel we are being accepted by the tribe. To satisfy this need, we seek ways to be important and unique. Positive ways we achieve status is by taking responsibility for our lives and valuing our self-worth. Negative ways involve putting others down – making others appear ‘less’, so we feel we are ‘more’ – bullying, gossiping, showing off, selfishness. Sycophancy (sucking up to powerful people or the boss) is another way people try to feel important.
autonomy
All of us need to feel we are acting in accordance with our own volition; that we have choice. Research shows that enabling autonomy in the workplace leads to greater productivity. Choosing our own career path, rather than doing what others push us towards, is a healthy way of achieving autonomy. Conversely, rebellion is a popular way many young people try to assert their independence in a less productive manner.
achievement
Mastering something new, feeling a sense of accomplishment and success, and continuing to grow as a human is important to our wellbeing. Undertaking personal and professional development, pursuing hobbies, and learning new skills are ways we meet this need positively. Unproductive ways of meeting this need include: being driven for success at the expense of everyone and everything else; delusions of grandeur; perfectionism, and obsessive behaviour.
certainty
Feeling a sense of order, control, and certainty, is necessary for us to feel an element of security and safety. For most individuals, having a routine, saving money, and making plans is how we meet this need. Trying to control everything and everyone around us, and getting stuck in bad relationships because they are known and familiar are negative ways we meet this need.
KEY TAKE AWAY:
We are continuously striving to meet our needs. As our choices and behaviour shape our lives, we need to ensure we are meeting our needs in a productive and resourceful manner.
QUIZ:
Q: If a young person joins a gang, what needs may they be trying to meet?
Q: What needs may your resident hypochondriac, who is always bemoaning their ailments or having accidents, trying to achieve?
The Warrior-Womxn's Guild 